Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Why Can't I sleep?
I made this diary blog a long time ago but everytime I write, I find it so hard to publish it... Perhaps cos I am not used to showing my feelings to the world. I prefer to keep everything bottled up in my own cocoon. Even as I write this, I am contemplating keeping this a private diary.
It is midnight, everyone is sleeping but I can't sleep. This isn't new. It has become a pattern of life for me since I left Moscow. Sometimes, I wondered if I made a mistake leaving Russia, not that I hate my present location. I didn't like the cold and some of the people got on my nerves but I also had my best moments there and those I loved... It was in Russia I fell in love- not the sort of love you can just shake off... I fell in love with a baby, a lady and a man. I still see Moscow as my second home.
It is midnight and I can't sleep. There's a rat bugging my door. I hate to kill rats. Infact I can't kill a fly. I don't know why. I don't have it in me to end their life so I'd rather lie down awake, listening to the grating sounds of the rat by my door. This rat is a tempter. When it gets in, it eats my bread, yet I cannot set a trap for it. I have a mouse-trap but I can't find it in me to use it.
I am aware that a lot of people might read this blog so I am trying to choose my words carefully and it is hard cos I can choose the words I speak but when I write, I find it hard to bottle it up inside. I write from my heart so I avoid writing about my feelings... oh heck! The rat is here again!
Why can't I sleep? Do I have insomnia? Nope, I stopped having insomnia a long time ago but then I guess if you can't sleep, it is called insomnia... I think deep down I know why I cannot sleep but I do not even have the courage to tell my best-friends about it. They will think I am crazy and weak and so I keep it within me. I don't even tell them that I am not sleeping. My make-up hides it well.
I am broken-hearted and I have myself to blame. This year has been tough, very tough. I have experienced so many betrayals that can shake the average human being. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I even care? Haven't I learnt enough lessons in the past? I value my friends and can do anything for them so when they betray me, it is hard but it is harder when they don't ever want to talk to me. I have wondered, what did I do wrong? I thought we were friends. I hate the fact that I don't know what I did wrong, yet I have the feeling that it must have been something really bad to cause such rift but I know I wouldn't deliberately hurt someone I care about. I wish I could at least have the chance to apologize. To say how sorry I am and that I would do anything not to have caused the problem.
Do I feel insecure? No! Do I feel anger and hate? No! Just a deep sadness that takes away my sleep. I lay every night wondering if I can ever have the chance to apologize and if I can ever get the friendship back. I think that sometimes you have to let people go from your life no matter how hard it is especially when they can't see what a wonderful person you are. Perhaps it is their loss... I think someday I will heal. It might take years as is usual for me, but I will get over all this. Then I can have my sleep back but I still pray daily that only good things befall my friend(s) no matter how apart we have fallen. I may never get to see my friend(s) again but I will always pray of good news. Perhaps one day my friend(s) will realize that no matter what, I was a true friend all along and never meant for any of this to happen.
For now, I turn to my daily tea, work, family and movies to soothe my spirit. I work a lot at night now in order not to just stare at the ceiling. It is hard though cos I can face anything in my life, any challenges, any height of poverty but I can't face emotional trauma. It wears me out! It breaks me and has me putting up my usual wall thus denying others of the privilege of my friendship. I believe in God though and that he will be my balm of Gilead.
I cannot think about emotional things without crying so now I have tears in my eyes... I'm just going to listen to my favourite song... It calms me down and blesses me, perhaps cos it is a song that speaks of the love of the Father cos I know that even when everyone lets me down or forgets me, God will never stop loving me. He is my only true love... This song reminds me of all I have lost and tells me of hope in life. Let me play some verses for you and perhaps it can be a balm to you as it is to me... xoxo #Chibuzo#
"Over the mountains and the sea,
Your river runs with love for me,
and I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free
I'm happy to be in the truth and I will daily lift my hands
for I will always sing of when your love came down
I could sing of your love forever (x4)"
It is midnight, everyone is sleeping but I can't sleep. This isn't new. It has become a pattern of life for me since I left Moscow. Sometimes, I wondered if I made a mistake leaving Russia, not that I hate my present location. I didn't like the cold and some of the people got on my nerves but I also had my best moments there and those I loved... It was in Russia I fell in love- not the sort of love you can just shake off... I fell in love with a baby, a lady and a man. I still see Moscow as my second home.
It is midnight and I can't sleep. There's a rat bugging my door. I hate to kill rats. Infact I can't kill a fly. I don't know why. I don't have it in me to end their life so I'd rather lie down awake, listening to the grating sounds of the rat by my door. This rat is a tempter. When it gets in, it eats my bread, yet I cannot set a trap for it. I have a mouse-trap but I can't find it in me to use it.
I am aware that a lot of people might read this blog so I am trying to choose my words carefully and it is hard cos I can choose the words I speak but when I write, I find it hard to bottle it up inside. I write from my heart so I avoid writing about my feelings... oh heck! The rat is here again!
Why can't I sleep? Do I have insomnia? Nope, I stopped having insomnia a long time ago but then I guess if you can't sleep, it is called insomnia... I think deep down I know why I cannot sleep but I do not even have the courage to tell my best-friends about it. They will think I am crazy and weak and so I keep it within me. I don't even tell them that I am not sleeping. My make-up hides it well.
I am broken-hearted and I have myself to blame. This year has been tough, very tough. I have experienced so many betrayals that can shake the average human being. Sometimes I ask myself, why do I even care? Haven't I learnt enough lessons in the past? I value my friends and can do anything for them so when they betray me, it is hard but it is harder when they don't ever want to talk to me. I have wondered, what did I do wrong? I thought we were friends. I hate the fact that I don't know what I did wrong, yet I have the feeling that it must have been something really bad to cause such rift but I know I wouldn't deliberately hurt someone I care about. I wish I could at least have the chance to apologize. To say how sorry I am and that I would do anything not to have caused the problem.
Do I feel insecure? No! Do I feel anger and hate? No! Just a deep sadness that takes away my sleep. I lay every night wondering if I can ever have the chance to apologize and if I can ever get the friendship back. I think that sometimes you have to let people go from your life no matter how hard it is especially when they can't see what a wonderful person you are. Perhaps it is their loss... I think someday I will heal. It might take years as is usual for me, but I will get over all this. Then I can have my sleep back but I still pray daily that only good things befall my friend(s) no matter how apart we have fallen. I may never get to see my friend(s) again but I will always pray of good news. Perhaps one day my friend(s) will realize that no matter what, I was a true friend all along and never meant for any of this to happen.
For now, I turn to my daily tea, work, family and movies to soothe my spirit. I work a lot at night now in order not to just stare at the ceiling. It is hard though cos I can face anything in my life, any challenges, any height of poverty but I can't face emotional trauma. It wears me out! It breaks me and has me putting up my usual wall thus denying others of the privilege of my friendship. I believe in God though and that he will be my balm of Gilead.
I cannot think about emotional things without crying so now I have tears in my eyes... I'm just going to listen to my favourite song... It calms me down and blesses me, perhaps cos it is a song that speaks of the love of the Father cos I know that even when everyone lets me down or forgets me, God will never stop loving me. He is my only true love... This song reminds me of all I have lost and tells me of hope in life. Let me play some verses for you and perhaps it can be a balm to you as it is to me... xoxo #Chibuzo#
"Over the mountains and the sea,
Your river runs with love for me,
and I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free
I'm happy to be in the truth and I will daily lift my hands
for I will always sing of when your love came down
I could sing of your love forever (x4)"
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